Lyrics That make Me Vomit

Lyrics that make me vomit

Lyrics in music in my opinion should be an art form in themselves that reflect the person writing them. There are so many half-assed, that is if any assed words being sung right now it makes me sick. That being said I’m well aware that they are selling records and making money, but in my argument they are also making our world more illiterate. All music aside, these are just a few of the lyrics that I despise and why.

“Starships are meant to fly, hands up and touch the sky. Can’t stop cause we’re too high, let’s  do this one more time.” -Nikki Minaj
Nikki Minaj sounds like she’s being punched in the voice box while she sings, and her way with words would confirm the fact that her fourth grade poetry teacher gave up on her(or whoever wrote her lyrics). Also she says “let’s do this one more time.” Five choruses later and she’s still saying it.

“We fell in love in a hopeless place.”-Rihhana

This one is not targeting Rihhana specifically, but more the repetitiveness in the words being written. She says this line 16 times in a three minute song. I understand you fell in love in a hopeless place, and that’s super sad ’n’ all, but how many times did that happen? Slut.

“Goo goo goo, ga ga ga, that’s all I have to say to you.”-The Police

Maybe there is some hidden meaning behind this song, but it sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me. Correct me if I’m wrong. Please.

　
“You know I love you, I’ll always be true. In my heart there is a fire, it is you I desire. If you will be my girl, I will give you the world.” -Unoriginal Asshole
I feel like I’m the only one who is sick of hearing the same rhymes over and over again. There are 171,476 words in the English dictionary, only four of those have been deemed unable to rhyme, so stop using the same 20.

Jobs, How to Get Them, and How to Get Out of Them

JOBS

So you’ve made it out of high school, whether it’s cause you graduated or smoked too much pot and didn’t, you made it out. Now what? Well you have a couple options. Either mooch off your parents and hope they keel over so you inherit everything they worked so hard for, steal a cup and a blanket from them and live on the street, or join the awesome working class. You’re parents don’t love you enough to put you on their will, and pretending to be a war veteran isn’t as enjoyable as it looks. So looks like you’re stuck with the latter.

How to get a job

There are many options of getting dough just waiting at your fingertips. I have broken it down into three different categories, Everyday jack-off jobs, prostitution, and unemployment.

Everyday Jack-off jobs

These are the most common as well as annoying. Remember all the bull shit you learned in grade school? I hope not cause you won’t need it. These jobs are specifically made to turn your brain on a backwards learning cycle until you are too stupid to remember why you are still there, and too stupid to quit. These jobs include sitting in an office chair while jacking off, working in a warehouse while jacking off, and serving obese people food(jacking off optional).

How to get it: Well if you haven’t noticed, you need to know how to jack off, and if you’re just out of high school, this should be fresh on your mind.

Resume: Put together all the accomplishments you’ve achieved in your life. This should include how fast you can chug a beer, the first time you got an erection, the distance you can hawk a loogie, and other admirable traits you might be able to think of.

Prostitution

Prostitution is defined as demoralizing yourself to obtain a source of currency. Or at least that’s how I define it. Most people relate prostitution to sex and sexual favors, which is in many cases correct, but before you strap on the fishhnets, high heels, and pasties, consider these other options of prostitution.
Tatoo Advertisements on your face Some companies will go to the extreme to advertise their product, and you can pick up some cash from them. I mean, what’s cooler than having the Mcdonalds logo on your forehead?
Meals for MealsPeople love entertainment, especially when it’s at someone else’s embarrassment. Many times if you are at a restaurant, all you have to do is ask someone what they’ll give you to eat all the gum off the tables, and you’ll probably score 50 bucks a table, and be able to buy yourself something to eat.
StreakingMost people will pay good money to see someone run full nude in a public place. If you are tough enough to take a tazer in the ass, this one is for you. Just let people know your plan and ask how much they are willing to pay you to do it, and go for it. The possibilities are endless, and the more embarrassing, the more money you’ll earn. Prime places to streak are: football games, weddings, block parties, schools, malls, and if you are really bold, police stations.

How to get it: Just ask around, there are plenty of clients out there needing to be satisfied.

　

Unemployment/Government Aid

To clarify, this is not a job, a job is when you do something that is constructive or entertaining to someone, and are rewarded with money for your labor. On unemployment you are given money because the government feels sorry for you. In any case, it is actually a fantastic source of income, and if you’re single or don’t care for your family, it is a fair amount to have a good time. I have created a small chart to demonstrate what someone on unemployment might do on a daily basis.

Wake up

                                                        ¯ ­               ^

                                           Look at porn      Take a nap

                                                      ¯ ­               ^

Masterbate ® Clean-up

How to get it: I honestly don’t know, cause if I did I could refer to this as “my schedule,” instead of “what someone on unemployment might do.”

Resume: I know you send in some paperwork to the government, but don’t send in an actual resume, because then they will know that you know how to apply for a real job, and they won’t let you mooch off everyone else.

The Art of Slacking

You scored a job working for the man, or pimp, or whoever. It’s been two weeks and you realize that it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be. So now you want days off, and you are already out of sick days. Now you need to think up of a valid excuse for why you stayed home to play with your cats. Here are a couple of common excuses used:
“I have some family problems to take care of.”- This is one of the easiest of excuses to give and at times may be effective, but everyone knows that you are really just getting stoned and talking to your dog.

“My grandma died.”- Not only are you trying to get out of work, but you are also trying to distract your boss’s immediate reaction to call you a liar with the feeling of pity. Your boss is usually older than you and most likely can relate to the death of a grandparent as well. This can prove to work, but you must be careful not say it more than twice, cause unless your grandma was a lesbian, you don’t have three.

“My wife is having a kid”- This is perfect if your boss has not seen or known you have a wife in the past eight months, but again you have to be careful, because if you use this one more than once every eight months, your boss will either accuse you of being a liar or a polygamist, which is looked down upon and illegal in most states.

“My sister’s car broke down.”-I’ve heard this one used before, but would never use it myself for obvious reasons. Telling your boss that your sister’s car broke down lets him know that you have a sister, and also that she’s old enough to drive. It also tells him that she doesn’t have a boyfriend to rescue her, so he knows that’s she is still in the market for one. Imagine if he started dating your sister, then all the above excuses would no longer be valid.



Have you noticed anything all these excuses have in common? They are all family related and unoriginal. If you truly want to be successful in the art of slacking, you are going to have to work for the ability to not work. The key here is being creative. The more “out of the box” your story your is, the more likely your boss will think ”Well, there is no way he/she could have made that up,” which is your ultimate goal. Here are some excuses that have worked for me, and as long as your boss isn’t also using this same guide to get out of work, will work for you too:
“My dog killed my cat, then commited suicide after”A homicide-suicide case that your boss can’t look up on the news is flawless.

“Betos is having a buy one get one free sale on breakfast burritos”This will get your boss excited, and he’ll understand that if you are eating two betos burritos, you will need the rest of the day to shit it out.

“Im drunk”Your boss doesn’t want you to come into work drunk, so he will excuse you, unless you’re a prostitute.

“That 70’s show is having a marathon!”Your boss is old and is glad to know that you are supporting his old habits of smoking pot and laughing at Ashton Kutcher.

“George Clooney played Batman”This should make your boss upset enough to forget that you even work there.

Keep in mind that these excuses can also be used for getting yourself out of other things, including but not limited to: Family reunions, birthday parties, dates, school, court dates, and even funerals.

Punk VS Edge VS Glam VS Metal VS Pop.

So because of all the arguments that go on from music genres, I have tried to get everyone to see each other through each others eyes by putting them in a couple different scenarios. Check out what I got.

Scenario#1: Their drug of choice

Scenario#2: A conversation with their mother

Scenario#3: An explanation for their fashion choice

Scenario#4: Why they enjoy their music

　

Punk Rock:

Scenario#1: Any of them. I don’t give a fuck.

Scenario#2: Mother: sweetie, --“I don’t give a fuck.” Mother: you didn’t even let me-- “I said I don’t give a fuck.”

Scenario#3: Same reason I don’t wear deodorant, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Scenario#4: Cause it’s off time, since they don’t give a fuck.

Metal

Scenario#1: Weed and alcohol. At the same time.

Scenario#2: Mother: TAKE OUT THE TRASH! Metalhead: Whoa ma! That’s an awesome song name, why didn’t I think of that.(puff puff pass)

Scenario#3: Man it’s like you gotta support you know? Like there’s so many people saying, ”cut your hair, get a job, get a girlfriend” and stuff like that. But it’s like why man, I play guitar, that’s like a full time job in itself. And chics dig bad boys you know.

Scenario#4: Most chics see how fast my fingers move on my guitar, and assume that my penis can move that fast too.

Straight Edge:

Scenario#1: Fuck drugs. I hate how people destroy their brains with that shit. I hate it so much that I’ll punch anyone’s fucking brains who does that. So stop talking to me if you do, you fucking junkie. Straight Edge for life!

Glam

Scenario#1: Cocaine

Scenario#2: Mother: Sweetie, have you seen my curling iron?

Scenario#3: The sunset strip is full of gays, so you need to look as much like a woman to get women, and to avoid guys sniffing your butt hole.

Scenario#4: When girls hear you listen to glam, they think, ”Wow, this guy is a badass rocker, but with a sensitive side, and I can borrow his clothes and make-up.”

Pop

Scenario#1: If Lindsay Lohan is doing it, I’m doing it.

Scenario#2: Mother: Hey honey, how’s the music business treating you? Pop star: Exactly how you set it up for me mommy.

Scenario#3: Uh, I dunno, my tour manager said this would get the most attention.

Scenario#4: Cause it makes me look like a slut, and that sells albums, right?

　

Radon Burns a Hole in Your Wallet, Not Your Lungs

Radon Burns a Hole in Your Wallet, Not Your Lungs

You’ve heard the commercials about radon by now. “Radon is an invisible substance in the air that can cause lung cancer. Have your home inspected by someone who can see it immediately.” Really? I call bullshit. This has “give me your money” written all over it. I have a better idea: Go fuck yourself. But although it‘s got me punching myself in the dick, it has also inspired me to start my own scam business. Tell me what you think.

Pokemon Removal

“Remember those stupid little animals you used to watch as a kid thinking that they were just fictional? Guess again bitches. They are more real than you thought possible and not half as cuddly. The truth is, only certain people can see them, so this is why you think they seize to exist. Ever wonder what the hell your dog is barking at? Or why your children continue to fall down the stairs? Or why your wife sneaks to the neighbors house at night. Fucking pokemon. Lucky for you, I happen to be one of these few gifted people who can see them, and can rid them of your house for the cheap price of your pride, and ten thousand dollars. It’s not about the money, it’s about your family. You love your wife, kids and dog right? If your answer is yes, give me a call. If not, just try to ignore all the screaming from your dog, your kids, and your neighbors bedroom.”

Manipulative Advertising

Now you want to buy my product don’t you? Or perhaps you want to know how I got so good at making you want my services. Well I’m not greedy so I’ll let you in on some helpful tricks to use.

Manipulation By Guilt
You got guilt trips all the time for leaving your toy fire truck out as a child. But instead of your mom saying that you left it out, she said something like, “HEY! I tripped on your stupid fire truck and fell down the stairs, hit my ovaries, and won’t be able to spawn you a little brother if it happens again.” This is a perfect example of manipulation by guilt. Now all you have to do is apply it to the grown up world. For example, if you were selling yourself on the street you could say something like, “The mafia have my family and are going to kill them if I don’t come up with 500 dollars,” instead of, “You need a quickie honey?”

Manipulation By Idols
So imagine you’re pushing 50, and have been going through a midlife crisis for the last ten years. You’re skin looks like your uncircumcised penis, and your wife won’t touch either. Now, back to being a businessman, you need to help these people help you make money, so your product needs to seem like it‘s actually going to work. Let’s say you’re selling antiaging cream. Instead of using the actual facts that you know aren’t true or tested, just grab a celebrity who is around that age and have him vouch for you. Johnny Depp would be a good choice.

Manipulation by Money
Isn’t it retarded that you can make money, by telling people how to make money? As ironic as it is, it happens all the time. Think of every big shot billionaire out there, they have probably written some stupid book about getting rich. So as far as I’m concerned, just bullshit a couple 400 pages about how to get rich, regardless if that’s how you got rich or not. Hell, you could just write a book about how to get rich by writing a book, just to add to all the irony.

The Food Network and Porn

The Food Network and Porn

If you were hoping to see Martha Stuart naked when you saw the title, I am sorry to disappoint you. After stuffing my face with a Betos burrito, I was flipping channels and stumbled upon the food channel. All the sudden I was hungry. Earlier that same day, I had just finished wacking off, and decided to surf the web when a lesbian site popped up out of no where(I swear it was a pop-up). Suddenly I was horny. The food network and porn industry are alike in so many ways.

Horny and Hungry

Aside from them being similar enough to make a short little alliteration, you’d be surprised that these two could very well be sisters. Two beautiful sisters that you want to take a bite out of for different reasons. Don’t believe me? Think of your favorite type of food. Now think of your favorite feature on a woman. Let’s say you chose burgers and breasts. Now think of an adjective you would use for each. Say you thought of “Juicy” for the breasts, and “Dripping Hot” for the burger. Try swapping them so you have: Juicy Breasts, or Dripping Hot Breasts; as well as Dripping Hot Burger, or Juicy Burger. Your brain is already wired to see both on the same level. You’ve probably found yourself saying things like, “Yeah I’d like a slice of her pie,” or, “I would put my penis in this burrito it’s so good,” multiple times a day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdGsKzmCgB0

The best of both worlds combined in perfect harmony. Carl’s Junior, I couldn’t have portrayed it better.

Porn Stars and Food Stars

Although you would never guess it, Porn Stars and Food Stars are very much alike.Both stars have to be able to know how to use electronic objects. Porn stars have vibrators, Food stars have blenders. Both have to eat things they don’t want to. So they both have to learn to ignore their gag reflex as well. Both have to taste some sort of creamy batter, although food stars got lucky with the cake and brownies. And most importantly, they both have to fake being satisfied, whether it’s with the pulled pork, or with the pulled pork.

What You Can’t Have

Both industries might as well be sticking their dick in your face saying, “HEY, I‘M FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU‘LL NEVER HAVE WHAT I HAVE.” One of them really is. With porn you can watch lesbian gymnastics all day, but you’re still stuck with the pocket pussy you stole from your brother. The food network does the same thing with the meals they cook. They serve up all sorts of shit like shark fins, electric eel liver, and veloceraptor brains. They make this all up of course cause they know the chances of you having the nutsack to kill any of those is about as likely as Justin Beiber having a career after his balls drop.

When I die, Bury Me in a Dildo

Now for anyone who is dyslexic, i hope you didn't still click on this link thinking it said,"Bury a dildo in me when I die," because that would be innapropriate and disgusting.  That being said, there has always been a hype about what is to become of your body when you "leave it."

Only thing is i don't  think you actually leave your body.  You probably just become one of the living cells in your body and have to go to war with all the maggots that are trying to destroy your new home.  It'd be like a zombie apocalypse, minus the shotguns and swords.  No wonder that's why people think you go to hell when you die.

Anyway, many people like to have an open casket, and have their wife/girlfriend and families mourn over them.  My main problem with an open casket is that it's like an open bar except that  you don't get excited for it, or I hope not.  Others choose to be cremated and have their ashes put on their kids mantel piece right where their grandkids have or will piss themselves on.  I don't like the idea of being pissed on, or being attacked by maggots, so I have at long last decided what I want done with my body. 

I would like to be cremated, and then creamed upon.  Reducing my body to ash is a fine idea, cause even when I'm six feet under, I know my six incher is still gonna want to be under some panties.  In order to accomplish this, I want to have my ashes put into a glass dildo, so my wife can still fuck me. And why a glass dildo you ask? Because if made right it could also be a bong, so she could be sucking me off too.

A Poem About Addiction

A (very personal)poem about addiction:

Weed had me by the left sack
Coffee had me by the right
Alcohol still has grasp of my shaft
But I can still get a boner when I like

Now my balls can dangle free once more
And enjoy the nice fresh air
But a slave is my pork sword
To a maiden so very fair

Public Transportation

     Public Transportation

Airplanes

 There is one thing that my grandma loves more than mourning over her dead husband, and that is carrot cake. Unfortunately, she lives in Canada, where the carrots get mauled by wild jackrabbits and chewed on by venomous fruit flies that live in the ground, thus making it impossible for the poor woman to make her own delicious Carrot Cake. So, being the nice guy I am, I decided to make her a carrot cake here in the luscious gardens of the USA that produce such nice tasting orange edible fuck sticks. From the second I walked into the airport, people just stared at me like I had a towel on my head. Of course one particularly obese woman stared at me like I was the Egyptian god of give me that cake. Aside from the stares, everything was going peachy keen, that is until I went to check my baggage. Apparently you can’t bring cake on the plane. Well I told them why I can’t make a carrot cake in Canada and the bitch didn’t believe me and called security. Long story short, all the security guards were flaming faggots, they kept insisting on putting their fingers up my butt. Needless to say, it was a terrible experience and I haven’t visited an airport ever since. Except for that one time I pretended to make a carrot cake for my grandma and it was really a bomb.

Busses
For those of you lucky enough to have never been on a bus, you are missing out on an opportunity to demoralize yourself, smell bad, vomit, and piss your pants all in one place. For a while there, when I turned my only car into a miniature mobile home, walking was my only means of transportation, except of when I decided to get on the bus. The worst part about getting on the bus, is getting on the bus. You walk in to see the bus driver licking the McDonalds stains off his clothes from the day before, which immediately puts a bad taste in your mouth. Then you have to look for a seat that doesn’t have hobo piss on it less than 2 days old, and once you’ve gone through all this, you sit down and realize that the bus still hasn’t moved yet. If that’s not enough, there’s always someone who wants to talk to you. One time, this hobo(yes everyone who rides the bus is homeless) kept going on about how he‘s going to start a big business selling potato chips, because you can sell them for 1000 times more than the price of potatoes. That’s great, but the only potatoes here are going be coming out of the drivers ass in about 3 hours. Once the driver has finally sucked all the combo of ketchup and fry grease off his shirt, you start moving, and you get a half staff of an erection cause you think you did yourself well cause the driver was too busy making out with his shirt to notice you didn’t pay. But you are immediately left with blue balls as the bus stops shortly after it started, and are forced to get off to ejaculate yourself(or stay on), noticing the driver working his way to his lap on your way out.
Police cars
Most people wouldn’t consider police cars a form of public transportation, but it is actually one of the most convenient ways to get somewhere. There have been plenty of times when I have been wandering the streets intoxicated, looking for a ride cause all my friends left me(I do have friends) and all I did was stand in the street for 5 minutes and a kind officer was there in no time to give me a ride. I don’t really remember talking to them, but I remember them being really polite, telling me “You have a ride to Main silently, you can say anything and we’ll get you some stew,” I don’t remember getting stew, and they must have decided that the police station was a better place to go, since my friends(not my parents) were there to pick me up. Then I threw up, and from the looks of it, we must have gotten some tasty stew.
Subways
Subways are actually pretty cool because it’s a long object that goes through tunnels all night long, much like my penis. Subway restaurants are not by any means transportation, but they too are cool, because they make foot longs that can go into girls’ mouths, also like my penis.

DOOR TO DOOR SALEMEN

Door to Door Salesmen

      There is nothing that I like more than someone taking the time to knock on my door. These days all I get is texts or face book messages asking me to “hang out” and such. It is rare for someone to come to the door, so I always get excited and answer it hoping it’s a stripper service. Most the time I am very disappointed to find someone, let alone a guy, standing at my door in a full suit and fancy dress.
Now most people don’t have a reason to hate salesmen, aside from the disappointment of it not being a half naked blonde on their doorstep fresh for the stripping, but I do.
       In my young years, I thought I’d be clever and pretend to be the owner of the household, and he gave me his business spiel, which at the time seemed very convincing. Apparently all the nasty spiders, ants, and other critters attracted to my house by my doggy’s rotting doggy shit can actually turn my home into dust like the termites on the looney toons. Well I had just got done watching my Saturday morning cartoons, and it seemed very likely at the time. And he had the perfect solution too. All he had to do was lay down some pesticide and it would make everything better. So, naturally I went to my parents room and gave him all the money they had been saving for my college fund, and he went about his business. Had I known that in the future I would be resorting to writing a book in hopes it would sell, I may not have made that foul choice. But I did. And I paid gravely for it. I expressed my complaints to him and his company in a letter, which is all completely true.
                             Dear Glen and Pesticides Plus,
             You know, your pest control worked great on my pests, I will give you that. Unfortunately it has sparked many bigger problems. One of the spiders that you infected just happened to keel over and die on some cheese in my garbage that a poor little mouse decided to eat shortly after. Around the same time, my cat pissed on my blanket(again) so I had no choice but to throw him outside for 3 days. While he was being punished he thought he would suck up a little bit by killing me a mouse and bringing it to my door. I think you can already guess that he ate the mouse, who ate the cheese, that was infected by the pesticide you put on the spider who died on it. So after 3 days had past, I opened the door to let my cat back in, but was unpleasantly surprised to see him dead on my doorstep.
          I don’t like wasting anything, so I did the only thing that is right and ate all the cat I could eat, which was only half. After that, I made a quick call to the new Chinese joint down the street called Yum Yum, and told them I had half a cat if they wanted it to put in their orange, sesame, sweet n sour, or kung pao chicken. Of course they accepted and I drove it down there as fast as I could so it would stay warm. On my way back home my stomach started hurting so bad i would have thought someone impaled me with one of those plastic lightsabers you used to be able to get from Shopko. The doctor told me that this stomach virus could very well lead to my death. That’s when I had to do some research and got to the bottom of the problem and found it to be your pesticide. You may not know this, but Yum Yum is trying to expand not only nationally, but worldwide. This means that the entire world can now be infected by this rare stomach virus that you started. Its going to be like the Bubonic Plague again and you started it. I just wanted to take a minute to congratulate you both. Assholes.
      
              Sincerely,
     Shitstained Dickwad


They never responded back, but they also never tried to sell me any more pesticides, so it all worked out.

Chivalry is Dead

Modern Day (Human)Sex in the Modern World

        Remember the days when you could walk down the street, look a good looking girl in the eye, and both have an instantaneous “do me in the nearest outhouse” agreement? You don’t? Me either, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because Chivalry is dead.
         In the old days, girls would open their doors for men wherever they went. All you needed was a good long sword ready to poke, and you were in for a longer ride on your pony than your quest called for. So what happened in the last 500 years? Did men get soft, or did woman decide that their baby makers are no longer for making babies? Well I have devised a couple of theories to answer these questions.

Theory #1: Electronic Radiation

        Although our first instinct is to blame Hilary Clinton, I believe there is more to it than that. The 1900s mark the rising of a century long(and counting) technological revolution. This has brought laptops, cell phones, iPods, and all those other things we have with us at all times. Is it possible that these devices are decreasing our hormones without us knowing it?
        I believe it very well could be. Look at every nerd you know, how many electronics do they have? Four? Five? You think they are getting any action? You bet your sweet ass they are, but hand action doesn’t count, so this is theory is very likely.

Theory#2: Asexual Reproduction

         Is it too hard to believe that that woman have learned how to reproduce without men? Women could be squatting down in ponds while we’re not looking and plopping out amphibious humans everyday. Frogs can do it, and we’re a lot smarter than frogs, so why not?

Theory#3: Lack of Guns

          Cowboys were badasses, and the ladies loved them. This is because they were used to carrying pistols around with them at all times. Not only did they carry them around, but they knew when to whip them out, as well as use them accurately. This skill of “whipping it out,” combined with “shooting accurately,” could easily be transferred to their sperm gun. Now a days, guns are frowned upon, and harder to reach, and even harder to actually use. It is very possible that lacking this skill has put a dent in man’s testosterone levels.

Theory#4: PMSing

         I really don’t have to explain this one.

Theory#5: Irony

         Woman actually do put out, but I’m too busy writing about how they don’t in my mom’s basement to find one who does.
　
         Whatever the problem is, it needs to be identified and solved quickly, or we are doomed. Many people are unaware that for every time a man dies a virgin, every males’ penis shrinks one tenth of a millimeter. At the rate we are going there will be no more functional lap rockets by December 21^st, 2012. Perhaps this is the turning event the Mayans predicted so many years before. This will eventually lead to our extinction, unless of course theory#2 is proven true.

Coming out of the Closet

“Coming out of the Closet”

          So it’s always been a funny term to use, and also mildly misunderstood. I think some people go into the closet, and are still not sure what door they are going to come out. For those of you who are still in a closet, and are not sure if you are going to come out the door where you came, or to the back door where so many other gays have ended up, I thought I could help you through these days that must be so hard for you. Since you’re in a closet, and most closets don’t have laptops, I have made a poster for you to study, and hopefully help you choose the correct decision. I can slip it under your closet door if you would like, because I am surely not coming in there.

If you don't have 20/20 vision, check this chart out at:
http://s1266.photobucket.com/albums/jj532/brandon_richter/?action=view&current=SEXCHART.jpg
You won't regret it.

Relationships

Hello everyone! Hope everyone is have a god damn dandy day. I just thought I'd take this time to give you some dating advice, hope it serves you well, cause i know Dr. Phil just doesn't cut it anymore.

Relationships

            
             Dating a girl is kind of like buying a triple scoop ice cream cone. The first time you put your tongue on it you think you’ve found heaven. Then as you continue on with the same flavor you realize you’re only eating it cause you want to get to the creamy chocolate on the bottom. 90% of the time there is no chocolate, and next time you walk into the ice cream store, you just want to sample all of the flavors and leave.

             Dating is boring, and expensive. From a guys point of view, this sucks. But since girls love being boring and spending money, especially yours, they love it. 85 percent of good looking woman are involved in a little known organization called the PISS. This group of girls have competitions to see how much money men will spend on them to try and get them in the sack, which is quite a lot, and never put out. At the end, the 3 winners all have a lesbian threesome and send it to all the guys they got free meals from. Of course they don’t actually send it to them personally, they just post it on the internet because they know they’ll end up watching it anyway.

             Now, if you’ve taken a high enough math class, you will know that there are still the other 15 percent of good looking females out there for you to go fishing for. At approximately 6,840,507,000 people in the world, 49 percent of those being girls, 38 percent of those girls not being obese, about 24 percent of those being attractive, that leaves you with approximately 305,688,577 attractive woman out there. 85% of them are involved in the PISS like mentioned before, so that drops it down to 45,853,287  Unfortunately, 62 percent of Earth’s population is Asian, so that really only leaves you with 17,424,248. But if this number still sounds promising to you, there are several ways of going about this whole “dating” bullshit.

Internet Dating

Woman love internet dating. And you always need to watch out for things women love(like dates and spending money) cause chances are, you’ll hate it. But of course it’s obvious why they enjoy it. This is the perfect chance for them to bust out the old high school pics and post them up as if they are still skinny and ripe for the picking. However, even if you find a woman on the internet who‘s picture is not out dated, chances are she is not ripe for the picking and is very soon going to fall off the apple tree because she has been infected by too many worms. And when I say worms, I’m talking about meat hammers. Sausage swords. Pork pokers. Clam cleavers and etc. To be more blatant, she’s a whore. But whatever blows the cannon, makes for smooth sailin.

Blind Dating

Blind dating is perfect for someone who is hoping to find the inner beauty in someone, but chances are that’s it. Think about it. When you have something awesome, like say a Ferari, are you going to be like, ”Hey, check out this car, it’s awesome, it has a an engine that could kill a whale, and can go from 0-60 faster than a Jr. High boy can whack-off, but I don’t want you to see it” Hell No! you would drive that baby every where to show everyone how awesome you are. Well same goes for chics, if they have a nice pair of knockers, they are not going to need to go on a “blind date” so therefore you shouldn’t be looking for a good rack if you decide to go this route. So in other words, just avoid this one completely.
Speed Dating
So you want some ass, and you want it quick. I’ve never been speed dating, but judging by the name, I would assume it’s awesome. I mean the name alone makes it sound like you are getting the worst part over with and getting straight on those smooth satin sheets in your mom’s basement! Hell yeah!