Jobs, How to Get Them, and How to Get Out of Them

JOBS

So you’ve made it out of high school, whether it’s cause you graduated or smoked too much pot and didn’t, you made it out. Now what? Well you have a couple options. Either mooch off your parents and hope they keel over so you inherit everything they worked so hard for, steal a cup and a blanket from them and live on the street, or join the awesome working class. You’re parents don’t love you enough to put you on their will, and pretending to be a war veteran isn’t as enjoyable as it looks. So looks like you’re stuck with the latter.

How to get a job

There are many options of getting dough just waiting at your fingertips. I have broken it down into three different categories, Everyday jack-off jobs, prostitution, and unemployment.

Everyday Jack-off jobs

These are the most common as well as annoying. Remember all the bull shit you learned in grade school? I hope not cause you won’t need it. These jobs are specifically made to turn your brain on a backwards learning cycle until you are too stupid to remember why you are still there, and too stupid to quit. These jobs include sitting in an office chair while jacking off, working in a warehouse while jacking off, and serving obese people food(jacking off optional).

How to get it: Well if you haven’t noticed, you need to know how to jack off, and if you’re just out of high school, this should be fresh on your mind.

Resume: Put together all the accomplishments you’ve achieved in your life. This should include how fast you can chug a beer, the first time you got an erection, the distance you can hawk a loogie, and other admirable traits you might be able to think of.

Prostitution

Prostitution is defined as demoralizing yourself to obtain a source of currency. Or at least that’s how I define it. Most people relate prostitution to sex and sexual favors, which is in many cases correct, but before you strap on the fishhnets, high heels, and pasties, consider these other options of prostitution.
Tatoo Advertisements on your face Some companies will go to the extreme to advertise their product, and you can pick up some cash from them. I mean, what’s cooler than having the Mcdonalds logo on your forehead?
Meals for MealsPeople love entertainment, especially when it’s at someone else’s embarrassment. Many times if you are at a restaurant, all you have to do is ask someone what they’ll give you to eat all the gum off the tables, and you’ll probably score 50 bucks a table, and be able to buy yourself something to eat.
StreakingMost people will pay good money to see someone run full nude in a public place. If you are tough enough to take a tazer in the ass, this one is for you. Just let people know your plan and ask how much they are willing to pay you to do it, and go for it. The possibilities are endless, and the more embarrassing, the more money you’ll earn. Prime places to streak are: football games, weddings, block parties, schools, malls, and if you are really bold, police stations.

How to get it: Just ask around, there are plenty of clients out there needing to be satisfied.

　

Unemployment/Government Aid

To clarify, this is not a job, a job is when you do something that is constructive or entertaining to someone, and are rewarded with money for your labor. On unemployment you are given money because the government feels sorry for you. In any case, it is actually a fantastic source of income, and if you’re single or don’t care for your family, it is a fair amount to have a good time. I have created a small chart to demonstrate what someone on unemployment might do on a daily basis.

Wake up

                                                        ¯ ­               ^

                                           Look at porn      Take a nap

                                                      ¯ ­               ^

Masterbate ® Clean-up

How to get it: I honestly don’t know, cause if I did I could refer to this as “my schedule,” instead of “what someone on unemployment might do.”

Resume: I know you send in some paperwork to the government, but don’t send in an actual resume, because then they will know that you know how to apply for a real job, and they won’t let you mooch off everyone else.

The Art of Slacking

You scored a job working for the man, or pimp, or whoever. It’s been two weeks and you realize that it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be. So now you want days off, and you are already out of sick days. Now you need to think up of a valid excuse for why you stayed home to play with your cats. Here are a couple of common excuses used:
“I have some family problems to take care of.”- This is one of the easiest of excuses to give and at times may be effective, but everyone knows that you are really just getting stoned and talking to your dog.

“My grandma died.”- Not only are you trying to get out of work, but you are also trying to distract your boss’s immediate reaction to call you a liar with the feeling of pity. Your boss is usually older than you and most likely can relate to the death of a grandparent as well. This can prove to work, but you must be careful not say it more than twice, cause unless your grandma was a lesbian, you don’t have three.

“My wife is having a kid”- This is perfect if your boss has not seen or known you have a wife in the past eight months, but again you have to be careful, because if you use this one more than once every eight months, your boss will either accuse you of being a liar or a polygamist, which is looked down upon and illegal in most states.

“My sister’s car broke down.”-I’ve heard this one used before, but would never use it myself for obvious reasons. Telling your boss that your sister’s car broke down lets him know that you have a sister, and also that she’s old enough to drive. It also tells him that she doesn’t have a boyfriend to rescue her, so he knows that’s she is still in the market for one. Imagine if he started dating your sister, then all the above excuses would no longer be valid.



Have you noticed anything all these excuses have in common? They are all family related and unoriginal. If you truly want to be successful in the art of slacking, you are going to have to work for the ability to not work. The key here is being creative. The more “out of the box” your story your is, the more likely your boss will think ”Well, there is no way he/she could have made that up,” which is your ultimate goal. Here are some excuses that have worked for me, and as long as your boss isn’t also using this same guide to get out of work, will work for you too:
“My dog killed my cat, then commited suicide after”A homicide-suicide case that your boss can’t look up on the news is flawless.

“Betos is having a buy one get one free sale on breakfast burritos”This will get your boss excited, and he’ll understand that if you are eating two betos burritos, you will need the rest of the day to shit it out.

“Im drunk”Your boss doesn’t want you to come into work drunk, so he will excuse you, unless you’re a prostitute.

“That 70’s show is having a marathon!”Your boss is old and is glad to know that you are supporting his old habits of smoking pot and laughing at Ashton Kutcher.

“George Clooney played Batman”This should make your boss upset enough to forget that you even work there.

Keep in mind that these excuses can also be used for getting yourself out of other things, including but not limited to: Family reunions, birthday parties, dates, school, court dates, and even funerals.