Radon Burns a Hole in Your Wallet, Not Your Lungs

Radon Burns a Hole in Your Wallet, Not Your Lungs

You’ve heard the commercials about radon by now. “Radon is an invisible substance in the air that can cause lung cancer. Have your home inspected by someone who can see it immediately.” Really? I call bullshit. This has “give me your money” written all over it. I have a better idea: Go fuck yourself. But although it‘s got me punching myself in the dick, it has also inspired me to start my own scam business. Tell me what you think.

Pokemon Removal

“Remember those stupid little animals you used to watch as a kid thinking that they were just fictional? Guess again bitches. They are more real than you thought possible and not half as cuddly. The truth is, only certain people can see them, so this is why you think they seize to exist. Ever wonder what the hell your dog is barking at? Or why your children continue to fall down the stairs? Or why your wife sneaks to the neighbors house at night. Fucking pokemon. Lucky for you, I happen to be one of these few gifted people who can see them, and can rid them of your house for the cheap price of your pride, and ten thousand dollars. It’s not about the money, it’s about your family. You love your wife, kids and dog right? If your answer is yes, give me a call. If not, just try to ignore all the screaming from your dog, your kids, and your neighbors bedroom.”

Manipulative Advertising

Now you want to buy my product don’t you? Or perhaps you want to know how I got so good at making you want my services. Well I’m not greedy so I’ll let you in on some helpful tricks to use.

Manipulation By Guilt
You got guilt trips all the time for leaving your toy fire truck out as a child. But instead of your mom saying that you left it out, she said something like, “HEY! I tripped on your stupid fire truck and fell down the stairs, hit my ovaries, and won’t be able to spawn you a little brother if it happens again.” This is a perfect example of manipulation by guilt. Now all you have to do is apply it to the grown up world. For example, if you were selling yourself on the street you could say something like, “The mafia have my family and are going to kill them if I don’t come up with 500 dollars,” instead of, “You need a quickie honey?”

Manipulation By Idols
So imagine you’re pushing 50, and have been going through a midlife crisis for the last ten years. You’re skin looks like your uncircumcised penis, and your wife won’t touch either. Now, back to being a businessman, you need to help these people help you make money, so your product needs to seem like it‘s actually going to work. Let’s say you’re selling antiaging cream. Instead of using the actual facts that you know aren’t true or tested, just grab a celebrity who is around that age and have him vouch for you. Johnny Depp would be a good choice.

Manipulation by Money
Isn’t it retarded that you can make money, by telling people how to make money? As ironic as it is, it happens all the time. Think of every big shot billionaire out there, they have probably written some stupid book about getting rich. So as far as I’m concerned, just bullshit a couple 400 pages about how to get rich, regardless if that’s how you got rich or not. Hell, you could just write a book about how to get rich by writing a book, just to add to all the irony.