Public Transportation
Airplanes
There is one thing that my grandma loves more than mourning over her dead husband, and that is carrot cake. Unfortunately, she lives in Canada, where the carrots get mauled by wild jackrabbits and chewed on by venomous fruit flies that live in the ground, thus making it impossible for the poor woman to make her own delicious Carrot Cake. So, being the nice guy I am, I decided to make her a carrot cake here in the luscious gardens of the USA that produce such nice tasting orange edible fuck sticks. From the second I walked into the airport, people just stared at me like I had a towel on my head. Of course one particularly obese woman stared at me like I was the Egyptian god of give me that cake. Aside from the stares, everything was going peachy keen, that is until I went to check my baggage. Apparently you can’t bring cake on the plane. Well I told them why I can’t make a carrot cake in Canada and the bitch didn’t believe me and called security. Long story short, all the security guards were flaming faggots, they kept insisting on putting their fingers up my butt. Needless to say, it was a terrible experience and I haven’t visited an airport ever since. Except for that one time I pretended to make a carrot cake for my grandma and it was really a bomb.
Busses
For those of you lucky enough to have never been on a bus, you are missing out on an opportunity to demoralize yourself, smell bad, vomit, and piss your pants all in one place. For a while there, when I turned my only car into a miniature mobile home, walking was my only means of transportation, except of when I decided to get on the bus. The worst part about getting on the bus, is getting on the bus. You walk in to see the bus driver licking the McDonalds stains off his clothes from the day before, which immediately puts a bad taste in your mouth. Then you have to look for a seat that doesn’t have hobo piss on it less than 2 days old, and once you’ve gone through all this, you sit down and realize that the bus still hasn’t moved yet. If that’s not enough, there’s always someone who wants to talk to you. One time, this hobo(yes everyone who rides the bus is homeless) kept going on about how he‘s going to start a big business selling potato chips, because you can sell them for 1000 times more than the price of potatoes. That’s great, but the only potatoes here are going be coming out of the drivers ass in about 3 hours. Once the driver has finally sucked all the combo of ketchup and fry grease off his shirt, you start moving, and you get a half staff of an erection cause you think you did yourself well cause the driver was too busy making out with his shirt to notice you didn’t pay. But you are immediately left with blue balls as the bus stops shortly after it started, and are forced to get off to ejaculate yourself(or stay on), noticing the driver working his way to his lap on your way out.
Police cars
Most people wouldn’t consider police cars a form of public transportation, but it is actually one of the most convenient ways to get somewhere. There have been plenty of times when I have been wandering the streets intoxicated, looking for a ride cause all my friends left me(I do have friends) and all I did was stand in the street for 5 minutes and a kind officer was there in no time to give me a ride. I don’t really remember talking to them, but I remember them being really polite, telling me “You have a ride to Main silently, you can say anything and we’ll get you some stew,” I don’t remember getting stew, and they must have decided that the police station was a better place to go, since my friends(not my parents) were there to pick me up. Then I threw up, and from the looks of it, we must have gotten some tasty stew.
Subways
Subways are actually pretty cool because it’s a long object that goes through tunnels all night long, much like my penis. Subway restaurants are not by any means transportation, but they too are cool, because they make foot longs that can go into girls’ mouths, also like my penis.
For those of you lucky enough to have never been on a bus, you are missing out on an opportunity to demoralize yourself, smell bad, vomit, and piss your pants all in one place. For a while there, when I turned my only car into a miniature mobile home, walking was my only means of transportation, except of when I decided to get on the bus. The worst part about getting on the bus, is getting on the bus. You walk in to see the bus driver licking the McDonalds stains off his clothes from the day before, which immediately puts a bad taste in your mouth. Then you have to look for a seat that doesn’t have hobo piss on it less than 2 days old, and once you’ve gone through all this, you sit down and realize that the bus still hasn’t moved yet. If that’s not enough, there’s always someone who wants to talk to you. One time, this hobo(yes everyone who rides the bus is homeless) kept going on about how he‘s going to start a big business selling potato chips, because you can sell them for 1000 times more than the price of potatoes. That’s great, but the only potatoes here are going be coming out of the drivers ass in about 3 hours. Once the driver has finally sucked all the combo of ketchup and fry grease off his shirt, you start moving, and you get a half staff of an erection cause you think you did yourself well cause the driver was too busy making out with his shirt to notice you didn’t pay. But you are immediately left with blue balls as the bus stops shortly after it started, and are forced to get off to ejaculate yourself(or stay on), noticing the driver working his way to his lap on your way out.
Police cars
Most people wouldn’t consider police cars a form of public transportation, but it is actually one of the most convenient ways to get somewhere. There have been plenty of times when I have been wandering the streets intoxicated, looking for a ride cause all my friends left me(I do have friends) and all I did was stand in the street for 5 minutes and a kind officer was there in no time to give me a ride. I don’t really remember talking to them, but I remember them being really polite, telling me “You have a ride to Main silently, you can say anything and we’ll get you some stew,” I don’t remember getting stew, and they must have decided that the police station was a better place to go, since my friends(not my parents) were there to pick me up. Then I threw up, and from the looks of it, we must have gotten some tasty stew.
Subways
Subways are actually pretty cool because it’s a long object that goes through tunnels all night long, much like my penis. Subway restaurants are not by any means transportation, but they too are cool, because they make foot longs that can go into girls’ mouths, also like my penis.
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