DOOR TO DOOR SALEMEN

Door to Door Salesmen

      There is nothing that I like more than someone taking the time to knock on my door. These days all I get is texts or face book messages asking me to “hang out” and such. It is rare for someone to come to the door, so I always get excited and answer it hoping it’s a stripper service. Most the time I am very disappointed to find someone, let alone a guy, standing at my door in a full suit and fancy dress.
Now most people don’t have a reason to hate salesmen, aside from the disappointment of it not being a half naked blonde on their doorstep fresh for the stripping, but I do.
       In my young years, I thought I’d be clever and pretend to be the owner of the household, and he gave me his business spiel, which at the time seemed very convincing. Apparently all the nasty spiders, ants, and other critters attracted to my house by my doggy’s rotting doggy shit can actually turn my home into dust like the termites on the looney toons. Well I had just got done watching my Saturday morning cartoons, and it seemed very likely at the time. And he had the perfect solution too. All he had to do was lay down some pesticide and it would make everything better. So, naturally I went to my parents room and gave him all the money they had been saving for my college fund, and he went about his business. Had I known that in the future I would be resorting to writing a book in hopes it would sell, I may not have made that foul choice. But I did. And I paid gravely for it. I expressed my complaints to him and his company in a letter, which is all completely true.
                             Dear Glen and Pesticides Plus,
             You know, your pest control worked great on my pests, I will give you that. Unfortunately it has sparked many bigger problems. One of the spiders that you infected just happened to keel over and die on some cheese in my garbage that a poor little mouse decided to eat shortly after. Around the same time, my cat pissed on my blanket(again) so I had no choice but to throw him outside for 3 days. While he was being punished he thought he would suck up a little bit by killing me a mouse and bringing it to my door. I think you can already guess that he ate the mouse, who ate the cheese, that was infected by the pesticide you put on the spider who died on it. So after 3 days had past, I opened the door to let my cat back in, but was unpleasantly surprised to see him dead on my doorstep.
          I don’t like wasting anything, so I did the only thing that is right and ate all the cat I could eat, which was only half. After that, I made a quick call to the new Chinese joint down the street called Yum Yum, and told them I had half a cat if they wanted it to put in their orange, sesame, sweet n sour, or kung pao chicken. Of course they accepted and I drove it down there as fast as I could so it would stay warm. On my way back home my stomach started hurting so bad i would have thought someone impaled me with one of those plastic lightsabers you used to be able to get from Shopko. The doctor told me that this stomach virus could very well lead to my death. That’s when I had to do some research and got to the bottom of the problem and found it to be your pesticide. You may not know this, but Yum Yum is trying to expand not only nationally, but worldwide. This means that the entire world can now be infected by this rare stomach virus that you started. Its going to be like the Bubonic Plague again and you started it. I just wanted to take a minute to congratulate you both. Assholes.
      
              Sincerely,
     Shitstained Dickwad


They never responded back, but they also never tried to sell me any more pesticides, so it all worked out.