Public Transportation

     Public Transportation

Airplanes

 There is one thing that my grandma loves more than mourning over her dead husband, and that is carrot cake. Unfortunately, she lives in Canada, where the carrots get mauled by wild jackrabbits and chewed on by venomous fruit flies that live in the ground, thus making it impossible for the poor woman to make her own delicious Carrot Cake. So, being the nice guy I am, I decided to make her a carrot cake here in the luscious gardens of the USA that produce such nice tasting orange edible fuck sticks. From the second I walked into the airport, people just stared at me like I had a towel on my head. Of course one particularly obese woman stared at me like I was the Egyptian god of give me that cake. Aside from the stares, everything was going peachy keen, that is until I went to check my baggage. Apparently you can’t bring cake on the plane. Well I told them why I can’t make a carrot cake in Canada and the bitch didn’t believe me and called security. Long story short, all the security guards were flaming faggots, they kept insisting on putting their fingers up my butt. Needless to say, it was a terrible experience and I haven’t visited an airport ever since. Except for that one time I pretended to make a carrot cake for my grandma and it was really a bomb.

Busses
For those of you lucky enough to have never been on a bus, you are missing out on an opportunity to demoralize yourself, smell bad, vomit, and piss your pants all in one place. For a while there, when I turned my only car into a miniature mobile home, walking was my only means of transportation, except of when I decided to get on the bus. The worst part about getting on the bus, is getting on the bus. You walk in to see the bus driver licking the McDonalds stains off his clothes from the day before, which immediately puts a bad taste in your mouth. Then you have to look for a seat that doesn’t have hobo piss on it less than 2 days old, and once you’ve gone through all this, you sit down and realize that the bus still hasn’t moved yet. If that’s not enough, there’s always someone who wants to talk to you. One time, this hobo(yes everyone who rides the bus is homeless) kept going on about how he‘s going to start a big business selling potato chips, because you can sell them for 1000 times more than the price of potatoes. That’s great, but the only potatoes here are going be coming out of the drivers ass in about 3 hours. Once the driver has finally sucked all the combo of ketchup and fry grease off his shirt, you start moving, and you get a half staff of an erection cause you think you did yourself well cause the driver was too busy making out with his shirt to notice you didn’t pay. But you are immediately left with blue balls as the bus stops shortly after it started, and are forced to get off to ejaculate yourself(or stay on), noticing the driver working his way to his lap on your way out.
Police cars
Most people wouldn’t consider police cars a form of public transportation, but it is actually one of the most convenient ways to get somewhere. There have been plenty of times when I have been wandering the streets intoxicated, looking for a ride cause all my friends left me(I do have friends) and all I did was stand in the street for 5 minutes and a kind officer was there in no time to give me a ride. I don’t really remember talking to them, but I remember them being really polite, telling me “You have a ride to Main silently, you can say anything and we’ll get you some stew,” I don’t remember getting stew, and they must have decided that the police station was a better place to go, since my friends(not my parents) were there to pick me up. Then I threw up, and from the looks of it, we must have gotten some tasty stew.
Subways
Subways are actually pretty cool because it’s a long object that goes through tunnels all night long, much like my penis. Subway restaurants are not by any means transportation, but they too are cool, because they make foot longs that can go into girls’ mouths, also like my penis.

DOOR TO DOOR SALEMEN

Door to Door Salesmen

      There is nothing that I like more than someone taking the time to knock on my door. These days all I get is texts or face book messages asking me to “hang out” and such. It is rare for someone to come to the door, so I always get excited and answer it hoping it’s a stripper service. Most the time I am very disappointed to find someone, let alone a guy, standing at my door in a full suit and fancy dress.
Now most people don’t have a reason to hate salesmen, aside from the disappointment of it not being a half naked blonde on their doorstep fresh for the stripping, but I do.
       In my young years, I thought I’d be clever and pretend to be the owner of the household, and he gave me his business spiel, which at the time seemed very convincing. Apparently all the nasty spiders, ants, and other critters attracted to my house by my doggy’s rotting doggy shit can actually turn my home into dust like the termites on the looney toons. Well I had just got done watching my Saturday morning cartoons, and it seemed very likely at the time. And he had the perfect solution too. All he had to do was lay down some pesticide and it would make everything better. So, naturally I went to my parents room and gave him all the money they had been saving for my college fund, and he went about his business. Had I known that in the future I would be resorting to writing a book in hopes it would sell, I may not have made that foul choice. But I did. And I paid gravely for it. I expressed my complaints to him and his company in a letter, which is all completely true.
                             Dear Glen and Pesticides Plus,
             You know, your pest control worked great on my pests, I will give you that. Unfortunately it has sparked many bigger problems. One of the spiders that you infected just happened to keel over and die on some cheese in my garbage that a poor little mouse decided to eat shortly after. Around the same time, my cat pissed on my blanket(again) so I had no choice but to throw him outside for 3 days. While he was being punished he thought he would suck up a little bit by killing me a mouse and bringing it to my door. I think you can already guess that he ate the mouse, who ate the cheese, that was infected by the pesticide you put on the spider who died on it. So after 3 days had past, I opened the door to let my cat back in, but was unpleasantly surprised to see him dead on my doorstep.
          I don’t like wasting anything, so I did the only thing that is right and ate all the cat I could eat, which was only half. After that, I made a quick call to the new Chinese joint down the street called Yum Yum, and told them I had half a cat if they wanted it to put in their orange, sesame, sweet n sour, or kung pao chicken. Of course they accepted and I drove it down there as fast as I could so it would stay warm. On my way back home my stomach started hurting so bad i would have thought someone impaled me with one of those plastic lightsabers you used to be able to get from Shopko. The doctor told me that this stomach virus could very well lead to my death. That’s when I had to do some research and got to the bottom of the problem and found it to be your pesticide. You may not know this, but Yum Yum is trying to expand not only nationally, but worldwide. This means that the entire world can now be infected by this rare stomach virus that you started. Its going to be like the Bubonic Plague again and you started it. I just wanted to take a minute to congratulate you both. Assholes.
      
              Sincerely,
     Shitstained Dickwad


They never responded back, but they also never tried to sell me any more pesticides, so it all worked out.

Chivalry is Dead

Modern Day (Human)Sex in the Modern World

        Remember the days when you could walk down the street, look a good looking girl in the eye, and both have an instantaneous “do me in the nearest outhouse” agreement? You don’t? Me either, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because Chivalry is dead.
         In the old days, girls would open their doors for men wherever they went. All you needed was a good long sword ready to poke, and you were in for a longer ride on your pony than your quest called for. So what happened in the last 500 years? Did men get soft, or did woman decide that their baby makers are no longer for making babies? Well I have devised a couple of theories to answer these questions.

Theory #1: Electronic Radiation

        Although our first instinct is to blame Hilary Clinton, I believe there is more to it than that. The 1900s mark the rising of a century long(and counting) technological revolution. This has brought laptops, cell phones, iPods, and all those other things we have with us at all times. Is it possible that these devices are decreasing our hormones without us knowing it?
        I believe it very well could be. Look at every nerd you know, how many electronics do they have? Four? Five? You think they are getting any action? You bet your sweet ass they are, but hand action doesn’t count, so this is theory is very likely.

Theory#2: Asexual Reproduction

         Is it too hard to believe that that woman have learned how to reproduce without men? Women could be squatting down in ponds while we’re not looking and plopping out amphibious humans everyday. Frogs can do it, and we’re a lot smarter than frogs, so why not?

Theory#3: Lack of Guns

          Cowboys were badasses, and the ladies loved them. This is because they were used to carrying pistols around with them at all times. Not only did they carry them around, but they knew when to whip them out, as well as use them accurately. This skill of “whipping it out,” combined with “shooting accurately,” could easily be transferred to their sperm gun. Now a days, guns are frowned upon, and harder to reach, and even harder to actually use. It is very possible that lacking this skill has put a dent in man’s testosterone levels.

Theory#4: PMSing

         I really don’t have to explain this one.

Theory#5: Irony

         Woman actually do put out, but I’m too busy writing about how they don’t in my mom’s basement to find one who does.
　
         Whatever the problem is, it needs to be identified and solved quickly, or we are doomed. Many people are unaware that for every time a man dies a virgin, every males’ penis shrinks one tenth of a millimeter. At the rate we are going there will be no more functional lap rockets by December 21^st, 2012. Perhaps this is the turning event the Mayans predicted so many years before. This will eventually lead to our extinction, unless of course theory#2 is proven true.

Coming out of the Closet

“Coming out of the Closet”

          So it’s always been a funny term to use, and also mildly misunderstood. I think some people go into the closet, and are still not sure what door they are going to come out. For those of you who are still in a closet, and are not sure if you are going to come out the door where you came, or to the back door where so many other gays have ended up, I thought I could help you through these days that must be so hard for you. Since you’re in a closet, and most closets don’t have laptops, I have made a poster for you to study, and hopefully help you choose the correct decision. I can slip it under your closet door if you would like, because I am surely not coming in there.

If you don't have 20/20 vision, check this chart out at:
http://s1266.photobucket.com/albums/jj532/brandon_richter/?action=view&current=SEXCHART.jpg
You won't regret it.

Relationships

Hello everyone! Hope everyone is have a god damn dandy day. I just thought I'd take this time to give you some dating advice, hope it serves you well, cause i know Dr. Phil just doesn't cut it anymore.

Relationships

            
             Dating a girl is kind of like buying a triple scoop ice cream cone. The first time you put your tongue on it you think you’ve found heaven. Then as you continue on with the same flavor you realize you’re only eating it cause you want to get to the creamy chocolate on the bottom. 90% of the time there is no chocolate, and next time you walk into the ice cream store, you just want to sample all of the flavors and leave.

             Dating is boring, and expensive. From a guys point of view, this sucks. But since girls love being boring and spending money, especially yours, they love it. 85 percent of good looking woman are involved in a little known organization called the PISS. This group of girls have competitions to see how much money men will spend on them to try and get them in the sack, which is quite a lot, and never put out. At the end, the 3 winners all have a lesbian threesome and send it to all the guys they got free meals from. Of course they don’t actually send it to them personally, they just post it on the internet because they know they’ll end up watching it anyway.

             Now, if you’ve taken a high enough math class, you will know that there are still the other 15 percent of good looking females out there for you to go fishing for. At approximately 6,840,507,000 people in the world, 49 percent of those being girls, 38 percent of those girls not being obese, about 24 percent of those being attractive, that leaves you with approximately 305,688,577 attractive woman out there. 85% of them are involved in the PISS like mentioned before, so that drops it down to 45,853,287  Unfortunately, 62 percent of Earth’s population is Asian, so that really only leaves you with 17,424,248. But if this number still sounds promising to you, there are several ways of going about this whole “dating” bullshit.

Internet Dating

Woman love internet dating. And you always need to watch out for things women love(like dates and spending money) cause chances are, you’ll hate it. But of course it’s obvious why they enjoy it. This is the perfect chance for them to bust out the old high school pics and post them up as if they are still skinny and ripe for the picking. However, even if you find a woman on the internet who‘s picture is not out dated, chances are she is not ripe for the picking and is very soon going to fall off the apple tree because she has been infected by too many worms. And when I say worms, I’m talking about meat hammers. Sausage swords. Pork pokers. Clam cleavers and etc. To be more blatant, she’s a whore. But whatever blows the cannon, makes for smooth sailin.

Blind Dating

Blind dating is perfect for someone who is hoping to find the inner beauty in someone, but chances are that’s it. Think about it. When you have something awesome, like say a Ferari, are you going to be like, ”Hey, check out this car, it’s awesome, it has a an engine that could kill a whale, and can go from 0-60 faster than a Jr. High boy can whack-off, but I don’t want you to see it” Hell No! you would drive that baby every where to show everyone how awesome you are. Well same goes for chics, if they have a nice pair of knockers, they are not going to need to go on a “blind date” so therefore you shouldn’t be looking for a good rack if you decide to go this route. So in other words, just avoid this one completely.
Speed Dating
So you want some ass, and you want it quick. I’ve never been speed dating, but judging by the name, I would assume it’s awesome. I mean the name alone makes it sound like you are getting the worst part over with and getting straight on those smooth satin sheets in your mom’s basement! Hell yeah!